The phone incident was the moment I should have realized who I was dealing with. But I kept making excuses for her, thinking maybe I was being unreasonable. I wasn’t.
I was living in Poland and my girlfriend was Polish. An event had occurred that I needed to access my bank on my new phone urgently, and to do this I needed to contact the bank, who only spoke Polish. They called me back but only spoke Polish. I expected that my girlfriend would help me because this was an important banking issue and urgent. In the middle of the conversation he was asking about speaking Polish and my girlfriend got mad at me and then the agent said they would not talk with me further and to send an email. As a result I was locked out of my bank for some time.
After she sabotaged my banking call, she had the nerve to get mad at me about the whole thing. Her reasoning? I should have asked her beforehand if she would help translate. How was I supposed to ask beforehand when the bank called unexpectedly? What was I supposed to do, predict the future? Why would I need permission to expect language help during a financial emergency? This isn’t asking her to do my homework or translate a movie. This was urgent access to my own money. What kind of partner requires advance approval to provide basic support during a crisis?
Think about this situation. I had an urgent banking emergency. She was lying next to me doing nothing important – I think scrolling social media or texting. The bank agent only spoke Polish. My girlfriend speaks Polish fluently. The solution was obvious. But instead of helping, she got angry that I expected her to help without asking permission first. Permission! To help with a financial emergency! That nobody saw coming!
Any normal partner hearing “urgent banking issue, need Polish translation help” would immediately think: “How can I help fix this problem?” Not: “How dare you expect me to help without asking permission first!” But that was exactly her response – outrage that I would expect basic partnership support without scheduling it in advance.
The bank agent hung up because they could hear the tension and didn’t want to be involved in whatever was happening. So my urgent banking problem that could have been solved in a few minutes turned into me being locked out of my account for much longer, all because she created drama during the call.
But this wasn’t just about the phone call. This was part of a pattern that I should have recognized. She could never be the slightest inconvenienced, unless she had been forewarned about it AND agreed AND wanted to help or do something at that second. This showed me exactly what her priorities were. My urgent financial access: Not important. Her feeling “presumed upon”: Critical emergency requiring immediate anger. Solving the problem together: Not even considered. Making me the bad guy: Top priority.
When she needed to hold a salt shaker a certain way so the finicky lid doesn’t pop off (push in, it’s not hard), “you need to not use grinders anymore and buy different ones,” she said. Rather than spending five seconds holding something properly, I needed to replace my kitchen equipment.
Then there was when I needed her to stop looking through the telescope for 5 seconds so I could propose (I didn’t say proposal), and she sharply criticized me for my gentle, kind urging as the sun was going down on the perfect day and perfect place and perfect opportunity. She prevented her own proposal because being interrupted for a few seconds was unacceptable.
This ddn’t only happen once – it happened TWICE. I waited about an hour the first time for the first time to be forgotten, we came back to the same spot before the sun set, and I tried again. The first time she wanted to shut off her phone and I said, “no wait” because I had something important to tell her and it would have been on video! How much more perfect could you get! She got mad and spoke to me sharply, ruining the first moment, but I tried an hour later at the last minute and same thing happened with the telescope.
The pattern was clear. Banking emergency requiring Polish translation while she scrolled social media: too much inconvenience. Holding a salt shaker properly for 5 seconds: too much inconvenience. Pausing telescope viewing or letting the phone run for 5 more seconds so her boyfriend could propose: too much inconvenience.
ANY time she was ever even the slightest inconvenienced – needing to hold a salt shaker a certain way, 5 seconds to stop looking through the telescope, helping with an urgent phone call – it became about how I was being unreasonable, unless she had been forewarned about it AND agreed AND wanted to help at that exact moment.
Any normal partner would have immediately helped with the banking call. Instead, she made my emergency about her feelings, sabotaged the solution, then blamed me for expecting basic support. This showed how selfish she really was. She could never put aside her own convenience, even for five seconds, even during genuine emergencies, even when the solution was right in front of her.
I was dealing with someone who turned basic partnership expectations into personal attacks against her. Someone who would rather sabotage my urgent needs than be mildly inconvenienced without advance warning. Looking back, this phone call told me everything I needed to know about who she really was. I just wasn’t ready to see it yet.
The truth was right there – she was someone who would create drama during my banking emergency, sabotage the solution, then blame me for expecting help. That’s not a partner. That’s someone who is fundamentally selfish and cruel, disguised as someone who cares about being “respected.”
