If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, I’m sorry for you. It can be hard to come to grips that the person you are dealing with is completely delusional, but there are a few ways to be sure (although a narcissist will say that the victim is doing this, although the evidence won’t support it):
Threatens the relationship often, even for no reason.
My girlfriend had threatened our relationship at least 200 times in 6 months, sometimes several times in a single conversation. This is pure manipulation – someone who threatens to leave constantly over anything is doing this for power and control, as calculated manipulation (even inadvertently, as they usually deceive themselves). THis isn’t questioning when the person on some days says you are an angel and the man of their dreams and an hour later because of spilt milk they wonder if this relationship can even work. No, this isn’t based on reality, this is based on delusion.
Most of these threats had nothing to do with us at all. For example, she said she would leave me if I ever cooked beef – and this was after I acknowledged, respected, and made it clear I would never do that because she doesn’t like beef.
She threatened to leave me because of my views on evolution, or because I didn’t believe in aliens, that there are aliens among us. She said, “I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t believe in aliens”. My reply was to find middle ground, acknowledge her views, and accept that I could be wrong. My way was compromising, hers was completely diametrically uncompromising.
She complains about nothing constantly and makes a big deal about everything.
Whether it’s holding a salt shaker in a way that the lid doesn’t come off, or asking her to pause looking through a telescope for thirty seconds during a sunset, every minor request becomes a major offense requiring punishment.
In the salt shaker case, rather than simply holding it properly for five seconds, she demanded I buy new ones or stop using salt grinders, and attacked me when I dared show her – just hold it in and twistst, so the lid doesn’t come off.
When I gently asked her to stop looking through the telescope so I could propose to her during the perfect sunset at a peafect beach on a perfect day at the perfect time, she sharply criticized me for “interrupting” her – twice, after I tried an hour later again.
Creates drama during your emergencies then blames you for the consequences.
When my bank called and spoke only Polish, I naturally expected my Polish girlfriend to help translate during this urgent financial matter. Instead, she became angry at me during the call for “presuming” she would help without asking permission first.
Her anger created tension that caused the bank agent to hang up, leaving me locked out of my account longer. She then blamed me for not asking her beforehand to help – despite the fact that I had no way of knowing the bank would call or that they would only speak Polish.
Makes everything about their feelings, even when you’re suffering.
During a period when I was working 5 hours of manual labor, taking 3 graduate courses, and staying up late to complete assignments (because evenings were consumed by her emotional demands), she would set my alarm earlier while I desperately needed sleep. When I objected to losing critical recovery time after literally 18-hour days, this became an argument about my “attitude” rather than acknowledgment that I was being systematically exhausted.
It was literally 18 hours days and I’m not even exagerrating. I would wake up, do 5 hours of field labor, come back, argue with her about something pointless she was upset about, listen to her complaints about everyone and drama, try to get homework done in the meantime that was due, give in to her nagging to be driven around the island at my expense, taking her to beaches at her command, and literally bringing my homework along so I could continue while she enjoyed the beach, then coming home to continue houework after she went to sleep, which was the only time I could focus, then getting up the next day again. She she complained when I said don’t set the alarm 30 minutes early, I want as much sleep as I can get. Unbelievable!
Threatens to leave over things they already agreed were settled.
After I had already acknowledged and respected her dislike of beef, promising never to cook it, she still threatened to end the relationship “if I ever cooked beef.” The threat wasn’t based on my behavior – it was a control mechanism disguised as a boundary.
Operates by completely different rules for themselves versus you.
While demanding I ask permission before expecting any help during emergencies, she felt entitled to monopolize my evenings with her complaints about coworkers, force me to drive her around the island when I was exhausted, and set my alarm earlier without discussion. When I needed language help during a banking crisis, I was “presumptuous.” When she needed emotional support, transportation, or schedule changes, these were automatic entitlements requiring no advance notice or consent.
Records conversations to build “evidence” while claiming you’re the manipulative one.
She documented workplace conflicts on her phone and threatened to record our arguments when she felt she was losing ground. This isn’t about accuracy – it’s about having ammunition. Someone who records interactions is building a case, not seeking resolution. Meanwhile, she accused me of being controlling for expecting basic partnership support.
Sabotages your most important moments then acts like the victim.
During what should have been a perfect proposal moment – sunset, beautiful location, telescope viewing – she turned my gentle request for thirty seconds of attention into criticism of my “demands.” Instead of recognizing this as a special moment I was trying to create for us, she made it about how I was “interrupting” her. The proposal became impossible because she had successfully shifted focus from my gesture of love to her feelings of being inconvenienced.
Never admits fault, only escalates or plays victim when confronted.
Present clear evidence of unreasonable behavior – like demanding new kitchen equipment instead of holding a salt shaker properly – and watch the deflection begin. Rather than acknowledging the absurdity, they’ll focus entirely on how “attacked” they feel by you pointing out the pattern. Your legitimate concerns become evidence of your cruelty toward them.
Creates exhaustion as a control mechanism.
By consuming all your emotional energy with manufactured crises, they ensure you’re too drained to evaluate the relationship clearly or plan an exit strategy. You’re so busy managing their emotions and putting out fires they’ve started that you can’t step back and recognize the systematic nature of the abuse.
Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists:
- Accept they live in a different reality – stop trying to reason with delusion
- Make them dump you – it’s safer than dumping them
- Set boring, non-negotiable boundaries without explanation
- Document everything, but never tell them you’re doing it
- Become systematically uninteresting to them
- Never defend yourself – it feeds their drama addiction
- Gray rock method – be as exciting as wallpaper
- Stop providing narcissistic supply completely
Accept They Are Fundamentally Delusional
Stop wasting energy trying to make them see reason. They genuinely believe their version of reality where asking for help during a banking emergency is “controlling” and demanding new kitchen equipment instead of holding a salt shaker properly is reasonable. You cannot logic someone out of a position they didn’t logic themselves into. Accept that you’re dealing with someone whose brain processes information differently – like trying to explain color to someone born blind.
Trick Them Into Dumping You
This is counterintuitive but crucial for your safety. Narcissists handle being rejected much worse than doing the rejecting. If you dump them, you become the enemy requiring punishment and revenge. If they dump you, you become irrelevant. Start being consistently boring, unavailable, and unresponsive to their drama. Stop reacting to their threats, stop defending yourself, stop providing the emotional reactions they crave. They’ll eventually find you insufficiently entertaining and move on to someone who gives better responses.
Set Boundaries Like a Robot
Don’t explain, justify, or argue about boundaries. Simply state them once and enforce mechanically. “I don’t discuss my personal life at work.” “I’m not available for calls after 9 PM.” “I don’t argue about the same topic twice.” When they violate boundaries, implement consequences without emotion or explanation. No drama, no discussion, just mechanical enforcement. This removes the entertainment value they seek from boundary-pushing.
Become Systematically Uninteresting
Narcissists are attention vampires who feed on strong emotional reactions – positive or negative. Stop providing them. Respond to dramatic statements with “Okay” or “I see.” Don’t defend yourself when accused, don’t celebrate when they’re happy, don’t engage with manufactured crises. Become as emotionally responsive as a brick wall. They’ll eventually find someone who provides better entertainment value.
The reality is that most people dealing with narcissists won’t implement these strategies effectively because narcissists are predators who specifically target people with trauma histories, low self-esteem, or overly empathetic personalities. They don’t accidentally end up with strong, boundary-setting partners – they deliberately hunt for people who will tolerate their insanity.
These people are emotional terrorists who threaten relationships 200 times in 6 months, sabotage banking emergencies, and demand you replace kitchen equipment rather than hold a salt shaker properly. They record conversations to build cases against you while accusing you of manipulation. They create exhaustion through sleep deprivation and manufactured drama, then play victim when you’re too tired to function.
The hard truth? If you’re reading this because you recognize these patterns in your relationship, you’re probably already too deep in their web to escape cleanly. But understanding what you’re dealing with – a delusional, vindictive person who sees you as a resource rather than a human being – is the first step toward protecting yourself from their systematic destruction of your sanity.
